Newly Discovered Epistle of St. Paul to Phil?

Paul, a slave of Christ the Lord and a soldier of His Gospel, to Phil, stalwart supporter and himself a gift of God in our mutual work inspired by the Holy Spirit. The peace of Christ be ever with you, until the last trumpet sounds and we join in the air in adoration of God the Father Almighty forever.

I give thanks and rejoice in the Lord that I am once again able to send you an e-mail, though I am burdened by these earthly chains in a false imprisonment. False, as I was long ago freed by the power of the Lord, the source of all life.

It has come to my attention that Onesimus, my constant companion in several journeys, my strength as we carried light into darkness, my vigor in setting captives free, to whom I owe much in this work of the Lord, is himself indebted to you and your company, due to the heavy use of his credit card.

I assure you, his expenses were necessary to our mission. Without these expenditures our work would have suffered greatly and we would not have been able to carry out the Lord’s command and bring the gospel to all nations. You will note how many of the purchases are for plane tickets and meals in restaurants near airports.

I ask of you, though some might conclude that I am certainly capable of commanding you, to consider a more affordable rate of interest. Perhaps you might even investigate aiding him through balance transfers or debt-consolidation, since he has a number of other credit cards and none of their CEO’s follows the Way. This assistance would be greatly appreciated, and I would be happy to overlook your recent non-donation to the collection for the poor in Jerusalem.

I know that you will do all this and more. Please send a similar card for me with a higher limit. Epaphras, Mark, Jimmy and Luke, all fellow prisoners of the Lord, say hi. May the grace of Christ be with you always.